I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
