dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
