every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Randomize
