He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I don't deserve a penis
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
