Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
