Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
