They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
