My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
