I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
