ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
