i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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