Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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