So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
