apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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