fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
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This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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