i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
