Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
