i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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