Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Randomize
