You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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