I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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