Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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