$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
