I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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