so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
