so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
