got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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