I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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