if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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