Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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