you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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