How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
