Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
