I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
