boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Randomize
