How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
