The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
