You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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