I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
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