i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
