My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
