i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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