i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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