you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
