Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
