Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
