This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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