i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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