shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
