I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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