I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
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Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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