im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
