Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
