i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize