she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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