I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
