I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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