How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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