I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
